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Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Dating for Keeps

If the essential goal of dating is to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, what is the point of wasting your time on someone you know you don’t want to marry?

Let me give you some background: I’m a 20-year-old woman and have been dating my boyfriend (22) for a little over 3 months. Despite the fact that he is my first boyfriend, our relationship has gotten serious pretty fast. We have talked extensively about our hypothetical future together, on subjects like moving in together, marriage, kids, etc.

I lost (I think gave is a more appropriate term) my virginity to him and we have a great sex life. We have similar thoughts and beliefs on many important subjects and the same values and morals.

What bothers me, though, are our differences. We have very little in common in terms of hobbies, personal interests, taste in music, etc. He grew up in a small town in a military family, thoroughly Christian and Republican. (Despite the way his parents raised him, however, he has become his own person and has formed his own beliefs separate from those of his family.) I grew up in a big city in a liberal, Jewish family.

His parents believe in corporal punishment, mine don’t. His parents think college is a possibility, mine think it is a necessity. His parents value (what they like to call) happiness, mine value success. His parents were very young when they had two unplanned pregnancies, my parents got married in their late 20s and had my brothers and me very much on purpose.

Essentially, I am worried that we are fundamentally incompatible. We come from such different backgrounds and were instilled with very different ideas about the world, education, families, and raising children (not to mention the fact that our lack of common interests bothers me, too).

My boyfriend tells me he loves me all the time and I think he is convinced I am the woman he wants to marry. I enjoy spending time with him and he is truly the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, but if I am already doubting our relationship, is it right for me to keep dating him?

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Unconditional Love

What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling.
I give myself to you from the essence of my being...
(King Without a Crown)

In his song, Matisyahu is talking about his love for God, but I thought these lyrics were interesting just in terms of love. Love is obviously an abstract concept, one which can't truly be defined. People feel and understand love in different ways because everyone is unique. It seems that no one can agree on how many types of love there are. Nonetheless, googling the word "love" yielded some interesting information.

In the bible, two Greek words are used to mean love: phileo and agape. Phileo is often called "brotherly love" and can be defined as "a fondness based in the heart" (evangelical.us). Agape is often referred to as "unconditional love" or "choosing to seek the best for others" (evangelical.us).

My search for the biblical definition of love led to me to a search for the meaning of unconditional love. Wikipedia (the ultimate source of any and all important information) states that unconditional love "is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs." Unconditional love is not limited to lovers, however. People can and do exhibit unconditional love for family members and friends as well.

The nonprofit organization, The Love Foundation, takes it even further. Their website states, "Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times. It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations. It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be. In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it to everyone and everything around us! That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure" (thelovefoundation.com).

The Love Foundation's mission statement explains their aim: "Our vision and purpose is to further the understanding and application of unconditional love through education, research, and charitable programs. The desire is to explore a variety of activities that enhance unity and self-conscious expression while promoting love and respect to all aspects of life."

While their mission statement, not to mention the whole foundation, may seem far too optimistic and idealistic, I think the idea behind their organization is key to improving the world and our quality of life. If everyone just worked a little harder to spread the love, there's no telling what we could accomplish.

So, fellow xangans, I urge you to smile, laugh, and love. Revel in each others' happiness. Love your friends, your family, that stranger in the bookstore, your waitress at Chili's, and, most importantly, love yourself. Though I am guilty of self-hatred and self-harm, I continue to strive towards one ultimate goal: to love myself unconditionally and share my love with everyone around me.

"Life, through unconditional love, is a wondrous adventure that excites the very core of our being and lights our path with delight."
-The Love Foundation

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind." Or does it?

Yesterday I watched the season premiere of Dating in the Dark on ABC, and it brought up some interesting questions. If you haven’t heard of it, let me give you a brief summary of the show:

Three girls and three guys live in a house for four days, but are kept completely separate. They meet each other and go on several dates in a darkroom- it is pitch black and they can’t see anything. After spending some time together, the host reveals their match- the guy or girl whom the “experts” determined was most compatible with each of them. At the end of the four days, each person gets to choose the one they want revealed. They meet in the darkroom and, one at a time, they are revealed to each other. After the reveal, they choose to either meet on the balcony and continue dating or leave immediately.

[You can watch the season premiere at http://abc.go.com/ under the tab “free episodes.”]

In this episode, the matches were as follows: Christina and Seth, Leni and Stephen, and Melanie and Allister. All of the contestants were drawn toward their match and choose him/her to be revealed at the end of the show. The decision whether or not to meet each other after the reveal is the whole point of the experiment. Did seeing their match completely change their opinions and feelings, or is the connection they felt in the dark more important?

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS. If you didn’t (or don’t care to) watch the show, this is how the episode ended. Leni was really struggling with her decision. She felt a connection with Stephen, but her surprise over his looks had shocked her into indecision. After Stephen endured an agonizingly long wait on the balcony, Leni showed up and they drove away happily into the sunset. Christina had an even harder time with her decision. She was a bit disappointed by what she saw during the reveal and it was obvious that looks meant more to her than the other two girls. She debated long and hard about whether or not Seth’s appearance or their connection was more important. Visibly upset at her shallow behavior, she decided to go, leaving Seth standing alone on the balcony, watching her depart from the house. Finally, Melanie was first onto the balcony, worried about being rejected by what she considered such a handsome guy. At last, Allister shows up and they too left looking happy with their decision.

What do you think about Christina’s actions? Do you sympathize with the importance she places on physical appearance? Were you shocked that she left just because Seth wasn’t as handsome as she imagined? Do you think she made the wrong decision and will regret it after the fact? What would you have done if you were surprised and/or disappointed by how your match looked? What is more important: someone’s personality and your connection with them or how they look?
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